Brave.

Have you ever stared at a word so long that it no longer makes sense? Like you aren’t even sure it is spelled correctly, and you’re not even sure what it is.

Brave. That’s my word. It’s my word of the year, you know. When I look at it too long it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

I’ll be brave though. I’m off to the hospital this morning (actually there right now, scheduled this to post at 6). Almost exactly 6 months to the day of my mastectomy for my “exchange” surgery. This is where they replace the hard, rigid, sometimes pointy feeling around the edges expander that has lived in my breast since my last surgery with an implant and then work their magic on the other side to try to get some sort of symmetry.

A friend asked me if I was going for “Ariel” or “Jessica Rabbit” (total Disney reference for fellow fans). I actually don’t know. I’ve had so many surgeries on this side (this will be my 7th or 8th, I’ve lost track) that there are limitations for what can be done with respect to size.

So it’s totally going to be a surprise. I’ll wake up to breasts I don’t know on a body I no longer recognize. *Surprise!*

None of this was my choice, and it doesn’t feel exciting or fun. I am beyond, immensely and eternally grateful that I do NOT have breast cancer (I have a long history of a rare type of tumor called a phyllodes tumor). Still, it’s a lot.

Recovery is estimated at 2 weeks. I’m hoping for less than that. The physical pain and discomfort I can work through. The emotional pain though, that is different and creeps up and appears out of nowhere and I’ve learned often looks like exhaustion and no energy and a short temper, particularly with those I love the most.

So off we go. I’ve prepped a post or two for you here in the group that have been scheduled out, and more than likely will pop in to write some things here and there because words are my happy place.

And also, because, brave.